Welcome to our new home! We are so blessed to have this home to settle into. This is the first step in the fulfillment of the Lord's promises. He is so faithful!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Our New Home
Welcome to our new home! We are so blessed to have this home to settle into. This is the first step in the fulfillment of the Lord's promises. He is so faithful!
Completion Is Coming
Before I ever started Clomid I was warned that it would mess with my "mood." Last month I tried to be really aware of this and I didn't feel any changes whatsoever. I came through month #1 fine, so I wasn't thinking at all about it this time around. I wish I had been more prepared.
Last week was a really hard week. Work was a bit more stressful than normal and I suppose the fact that we just moved and this whole baby process makes it that much more magnified. I mean, I've had busy, stressful weeks before, but I've never broken down like this. I must have cried for three days straight. If there weren't tears streaming down my face, it was because I was fighting everything inside of me to hold them back. I cried to Dave. I cried to my boss. I even told my boss I hated my job (Thank God he's not only a boss, but a friend too. Which is why I still have a job). I was a total mess. It didn't dawn on my until later in the week that it was probably the Clomid. Just realizing that helps me keep a better handle on my emotions.
But it made me do a lot of reflecting. I am actually very blessed to have the job I have. I get to work with people who do full time ministry. . .supporting their day to day lives by serving and guiding them. I work with wonderful people and I am paid well. The Lord has really provided through my job. Yet most days I feel miserable. The job is pretty high stress and full of lots of pressure to perform and excel. Honestly, I don't think it's a job the Lord would have a woman do for an extended period of time. In order to really do my job well, I would need to work 50+ hours a week. I have never done this nor do I plan to. . .which always makes me feel like I am not serving well.
I know that a new season is just around the corner. When we do have a baby, my work will change drastically. I long for that day. , ,when I will be able to keep more of a balance on the things I am called to as a woman. My home, my husband, relationships. I guess the longer I wait, the harder it is to complete this season. I keep begging the Lord for release. But at this point, I believe release is dependant on our starting a family. And that makes the wait for a baby even harder.
There is grace to complete this season and completion is coming soon. Every day I ask the Lord for His mercies that are new every morning. I ask the Holy Spirit to wash over me and help me complete the tasks that are in front of me with wisdom and joy.
I am not naive to think that being a mom is an easy job and will not rival my current responsibilities. I just believe when you are operating in a role you were born to do, there is an ease and a joy that comes with it. But so much of what I am learning now will only help me be a better leader in my children's lives. And for that I am so thankful for my current assignment.
Last week was a really hard week. Work was a bit more stressful than normal and I suppose the fact that we just moved and this whole baby process makes it that much more magnified. I mean, I've had busy, stressful weeks before, but I've never broken down like this. I must have cried for three days straight. If there weren't tears streaming down my face, it was because I was fighting everything inside of me to hold them back. I cried to Dave. I cried to my boss. I even told my boss I hated my job (Thank God he's not only a boss, but a friend too. Which is why I still have a job). I was a total mess. It didn't dawn on my until later in the week that it was probably the Clomid. Just realizing that helps me keep a better handle on my emotions.
But it made me do a lot of reflecting. I am actually very blessed to have the job I have. I get to work with people who do full time ministry. . .supporting their day to day lives by serving and guiding them. I work with wonderful people and I am paid well. The Lord has really provided through my job. Yet most days I feel miserable. The job is pretty high stress and full of lots of pressure to perform and excel. Honestly, I don't think it's a job the Lord would have a woman do for an extended period of time. In order to really do my job well, I would need to work 50+ hours a week. I have never done this nor do I plan to. . .which always makes me feel like I am not serving well.
I know that a new season is just around the corner. When we do have a baby, my work will change drastically. I long for that day. , ,when I will be able to keep more of a balance on the things I am called to as a woman. My home, my husband, relationships. I guess the longer I wait, the harder it is to complete this season. I keep begging the Lord for release. But at this point, I believe release is dependant on our starting a family. And that makes the wait for a baby even harder.
There is grace to complete this season and completion is coming soon. Every day I ask the Lord for His mercies that are new every morning. I ask the Holy Spirit to wash over me and help me complete the tasks that are in front of me with wisdom and joy.
I am not naive to think that being a mom is an easy job and will not rival my current responsibilities. I just believe when you are operating in a role you were born to do, there is an ease and a joy that comes with it. But so much of what I am learning now will only help me be a better leader in my children's lives. And for that I am so thankful for my current assignment.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The Big 3. . .Lessons I Am Learning
I say learning because I don't feel like I have LEARNED them yet. I am in the process. I suppose we're always in the process. We go around all the time saying we've LEARNED something. I don't know that we've completely LEARNED it until we consistently put it into practice. And so I use the i-n-g rather than the e-d to let you know I'm not there yet.
Lesson #1:
Stand and Fight
At times I can get very weary. But the hard truth is, there is no guarantee how long I will be in this fight. I do not yet know what the Lord will require of us as we take this walk of faith. But all of the strength and endurance I need is available in Him. I cannot give up! I have gathered every prayer warrior I know to stand with me – I just can’t sit down and give up on my dream of a family. I have to constantly dig into the Word and rediscover the promises He’s made. I write down scriptures that speak to my heart and proclaim them when I feel like quitting the fight. I started with this one. Seemed like a good word to stand on.
Psalm 113:9 says, “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”
I had no idea that verse was even in the bible until I stumbled upon it a few weeks after my miscarriage. He placed that promise and others in the Word just for me!
Lesson #2:
Let Praise Be Your Biggest Weapon
The morning I received the news from my doctor of my health issues, I sat at home and cried. And then I worshiped. I put on my favorite songs and proclaimed the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. During my sweet time with Him, I heard the Lord say, “This child will be formed from praise.” I knew then that I could not stop praising Him. When I come up against fear and unbelief, I fight it with words and songs of praise. When I am weary, I combat it with worship. He deserves all of the glory no matter what my outcome. I've decided to start giving it to Him now.
Lesson #3:
Be Open To His Perfect Will
I wish I knew for sure that I will conceive naturally, carry a baby to full term and give birth to a healthy child. I hope for that. But I’ve come to realize that we must be open to whatever the Lord’s will is for us. He may require us to take different medical measures of fertility treatment. He might already have a plan of adoption ordained for us. I must be open to His perfect provision for our lives. And I must remember that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).
So at the end of the day when I lie in bed and think about how much it hurts to walk this road. . .when I wonder why I have to walk this road and others don't. . .I turn my focus to all He is producing in me through this process and I have peace.
Lesson #1:
Stand and Fight
At times I can get very weary. But the hard truth is, there is no guarantee how long I will be in this fight. I do not yet know what the Lord will require of us as we take this walk of faith. But all of the strength and endurance I need is available in Him. I cannot give up! I have gathered every prayer warrior I know to stand with me – I just can’t sit down and give up on my dream of a family. I have to constantly dig into the Word and rediscover the promises He’s made. I write down scriptures that speak to my heart and proclaim them when I feel like quitting the fight. I started with this one. Seemed like a good word to stand on.
Psalm 113:9 says, “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children.”
I had no idea that verse was even in the bible until I stumbled upon it a few weeks after my miscarriage. He placed that promise and others in the Word just for me!
Lesson #2:
Let Praise Be Your Biggest Weapon
The morning I received the news from my doctor of my health issues, I sat at home and cried. And then I worshiped. I put on my favorite songs and proclaimed the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. During my sweet time with Him, I heard the Lord say, “This child will be formed from praise.” I knew then that I could not stop praising Him. When I come up against fear and unbelief, I fight it with words and songs of praise. When I am weary, I combat it with worship. He deserves all of the glory no matter what my outcome. I've decided to start giving it to Him now.
Lesson #3:
Be Open To His Perfect Will
I wish I knew for sure that I will conceive naturally, carry a baby to full term and give birth to a healthy child. I hope for that. But I’ve come to realize that we must be open to whatever the Lord’s will is for us. He may require us to take different medical measures of fertility treatment. He might already have a plan of adoption ordained for us. I must be open to His perfect provision for our lives. And I must remember that His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9).
So at the end of the day when I lie in bed and think about how much it hurts to walk this road. . .when I wonder why I have to walk this road and others don't. . .I turn my focus to all He is producing in me through this process and I have peace.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
New Life Is Coming
Last month, Dave and I took the next step in our journey of infertility by beginning to use the drug Clomid. Now, this is something that I've always known could help us conceive but we just didn't feel released to try it yet. Maybe that sounds stupid. I guess I could have had a child by now if I had just used Clomid right away. But we just felt like we wanted to give the Lord room to work on His own (which He did by allowing me to conceive naturally in Sept 2006). We're not legalistic weirdos about this sort of thing. It was just our conviction.
Right around the new year, however I started to feel a stirring in my heart that it was ok for us to take this next step. My friend, Sarah who is walking her own path of infertility right now, confirmed my thoughts by sharing her own belief that "when the Lord has told you it's time to start a family, you do everything that you can to fight for it." And so we entered a new realm of battle that involved medical measures.
Our first month of Clomid was successful in that that it caused my body to ovulate (which is what has not been happening all these months). I cannot tell you how excited I was when the doctor called to say, "You ovulated!" Oh, it's the little things in life that matter. Once I knew we had won that battle, I entered the two week wait (commonly referred to by women in my position as the 2WW). The 2WW is probably the worst two weeks you can imagine. The 2WW feels more like an eternity than two short weeks. I wish I could tell you that I was patient and hopeful and full of faith the whole time. Honestly, I was a wreck. I thought about it constantly, wondering what every little pain and twinge in my abdomen meant. I believe someday I'll get to the point where I can wait in peace. I'm not there yet. Perhaps that's what this journey is all about.
We learned this week that we did not conceive this month. Of course I am disappointed, but did I mention I ovulated? : ) That is such a big step in the right direction, I am purposing to focus on that and not dwell on the fact that I do not yet carry a child. And by the way, you've never seen a woman so excited to get her period. Who knew I'd ever be jumping for joy at the hint of its arrival?
Actually, I'm a little excited about embarking on this road for another month. Every month that I continue to wait is a month full of new revelation. Sure, there are days where I'd rather not have any more insight, I'd rather have a child. . .but for the most part, I'm thankful for the process and what it's producing.
This week we've had some of the most beautiful weather I've seen in a long time. I am reminded that spring is just around the corner. One of my dearest and most precious friends sent me an email yesterday reminding me that new life is coming with the coming of spring. This thought gives me hope because I know that He desires to show us His master plan through the seasons. Winter was dark and it was cold. But as I drive throughout beautiful middle Tennessee, I see trees budding and flowers blooming and I know spring is coming. And I have hope.
Tomorrow I will start the Clomid all over again. And I have hope.
Right around the new year, however I started to feel a stirring in my heart that it was ok for us to take this next step. My friend, Sarah who is walking her own path of infertility right now, confirmed my thoughts by sharing her own belief that "when the Lord has told you it's time to start a family, you do everything that you can to fight for it." And so we entered a new realm of battle that involved medical measures.
Our first month of Clomid was successful in that that it caused my body to ovulate (which is what has not been happening all these months). I cannot tell you how excited I was when the doctor called to say, "You ovulated!" Oh, it's the little things in life that matter. Once I knew we had won that battle, I entered the two week wait (commonly referred to by women in my position as the 2WW). The 2WW is probably the worst two weeks you can imagine. The 2WW feels more like an eternity than two short weeks. I wish I could tell you that I was patient and hopeful and full of faith the whole time. Honestly, I was a wreck. I thought about it constantly, wondering what every little pain and twinge in my abdomen meant. I believe someday I'll get to the point where I can wait in peace. I'm not there yet. Perhaps that's what this journey is all about.
We learned this week that we did not conceive this month. Of course I am disappointed, but did I mention I ovulated? : ) That is such a big step in the right direction, I am purposing to focus on that and not dwell on the fact that I do not yet carry a child. And by the way, you've never seen a woman so excited to get her period. Who knew I'd ever be jumping for joy at the hint of its arrival?
Actually, I'm a little excited about embarking on this road for another month. Every month that I continue to wait is a month full of new revelation. Sure, there are days where I'd rather not have any more insight, I'd rather have a child. . .but for the most part, I'm thankful for the process and what it's producing.
This week we've had some of the most beautiful weather I've seen in a long time. I am reminded that spring is just around the corner. One of my dearest and most precious friends sent me an email yesterday reminding me that new life is coming with the coming of spring. This thought gives me hope because I know that He desires to show us His master plan through the seasons. Winter was dark and it was cold. But as I drive throughout beautiful middle Tennessee, I see trees budding and flowers blooming and I know spring is coming. And I have hope.
Tomorrow I will start the Clomid all over again. And I have hope.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Fighting For Family (My Story)
Today was a hard day. Most of the time I have good days - today was not one of them. On days like this I find myself wondering if I’ll ever have a family. My emotions are high and my faith is low and I can’t decide if I want to scream my head off or cry my eyes out. I usually choose the latter (I’m not much of a screamer) and if my husband is around, he holds me and tells me everything is going to be OK. And I think, how can he be so sure?
I’ve gotten to the point where the word “pregnant” makes me want to throw up. Actually, I believe I’ve developed super-sonic ears that are sensitive only to the word “pregnant.” The other night I was sitting in a restaurant enjoying dinner with friends. There must have been fifteen conversations going on right around me. There was story-telling and laughter and honestly, I could barely hear my husband ask me to pass the salt. Then, two tables over I heard someone say . . . “I think she was PREGNANT at the time.” And at that very moment, my heart sank into my stomach and suddenly, I wasn’t hungry any more. Why is it that the very thing you can’t wait to become makes you crazy? I know the answer. It’s not the “word”, it’s not the “thing” - it’s the wait that makes you hurt.
It’s been 10 long months since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. And that was just one month before the date Dave and I had determined we were released to start trying to get pregnant. How’s that for timing? Before that, I spent about 18 months longing for the day we would have a family. So when I calculate the time between that very first heart longing for a baby and today, I get about 29 months. Twenty-nine months! I could have had 3 children by now!
But that was not the Lord’s will for me. So here I stand, contending for what I know He’s put in my heart, but content to wait on Him. It’s a battle that rages in the heart and the mind but that must be fought in the spirit. I am constantly amazed at the number of women I come into contact with who are struggling with infertility. I believe 7 out of 10 of my closest girlfriends have had a miscarriage in the past few years. At least 3 of my friends have battled infertility for over 2 years. It’s astonishing to me that it is so hard for all of these stable couples to start a family. Yet, why should I be surprised? Of course there is a battle against good, solid families being established.
The interesting thing about the miracle of life is that the miracle is no less when it happens without struggle. Every life that the Lord breathes into being is a miracle. Every child that is called forth into life is a miracle. So if we believe the Lord can create life inside of us at all, why is it so hard to believe He can do it in the face of adversity?
Not long after I found out about my health issues, the Lord spoke something very clearly to me. I heard Him say,
“Jessica, if you believe that I am all powerful and that I can do anything . . .and if you believe that I love you and would do it for you . . . then the only reason you are not pregnant right now is because I do not will for it to be so, right now.”
After I digested those words, I was filled with so much hope. I did believe that He could do anything. I guess I had a hard time believing that He’d do it for me. I didn’t realize that this was a reflection of what I believe to be true about His love for me. But His love for us is deep and it is wide and His heart holds our dream of motherhood very close. After all, He created us so intricately to serve this purpose.
About six months ago, my waiting came to an end. I came home from work early one day and I wasn’t feeling like myself. I thought I would take a pregnancy test just to see. You never know, right? And then. . .there they were. . .those coveted double pink lines. Oh the second line was faint, but it was there. By golly, it was there! I didn’t know if I should jump up and down or fall to my knees. Tears welled up in my eyes and I just began praising the Lord for our miracle. Yet I didn’t want to allow my heart to get carried away. What if it wasn’t accurate? Or worse, what if something terrible happened?
When my husband Dave came home, I showed him the test and in his own, adorable, reserved way he rejoiced with me. The following week, my doctor confirmed the test and being a believer who had prayed with me for this miracle, rejoiced as well.
I was beside myself. This was it. The miracle we had been asking for. It was really happening. I immediately dove into pregnancy books and websites, learning every little detail I could about how that little one was growing inside of me. I know they say that you shouldn’t share the news of pregnancy too soon, just in case something happens, but this was our miracle! Our whole family and small group and all of our friends had been praying heaven down into my womb. I was not about to walk in fear and keep this to myself. I wanted to proclaim from the rooftop what the Lord had done. And so we shared the good news with those that walked closest to us. I am so honored to say that was a good number of people.
Just about four weeks later, after a week of complications, our little one went to be with Jesus. Oh just typing this a few short months after it happened makes my heart hurt. I feel like something so precious slipped right out of my fingers and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so full of hurt and grief and questions. It didn’t make any sense. Why would He give us this miracle after praying so hard only to take it away? What was the point of all those people interceding for this life if His sovereignty would lead to its death in the end? Why do I have to wait and wait while all these women around me effortlessly have babies?
Oh I have so many questions. And my answer to all of them is in the name, Jesus. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I know I may not understand all that He is doing but I choose to hope in Him. I'm learning that it is ok to ask the questions. . .to be honest with the state of my heart. As long as I come to the place of settling my heart on the promises He's already given me and the truth of who He is. I do not know how long this journey will last. But I'm not about to give up. There is life in the process. I choose to let it be birthed in me as I walk this road.
I’ve gotten to the point where the word “pregnant” makes me want to throw up. Actually, I believe I’ve developed super-sonic ears that are sensitive only to the word “pregnant.” The other night I was sitting in a restaurant enjoying dinner with friends. There must have been fifteen conversations going on right around me. There was story-telling and laughter and honestly, I could barely hear my husband ask me to pass the salt. Then, two tables over I heard someone say . . . “I think she was PREGNANT at the time.” And at that very moment, my heart sank into my stomach and suddenly, I wasn’t hungry any more. Why is it that the very thing you can’t wait to become makes you crazy? I know the answer. It’s not the “word”, it’s not the “thing” - it’s the wait that makes you hurt.
It’s been 10 long months since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. And that was just one month before the date Dave and I had determined we were released to start trying to get pregnant. How’s that for timing? Before that, I spent about 18 months longing for the day we would have a family. So when I calculate the time between that very first heart longing for a baby and today, I get about 29 months. Twenty-nine months! I could have had 3 children by now!
But that was not the Lord’s will for me. So here I stand, contending for what I know He’s put in my heart, but content to wait on Him. It’s a battle that rages in the heart and the mind but that must be fought in the spirit. I am constantly amazed at the number of women I come into contact with who are struggling with infertility. I believe 7 out of 10 of my closest girlfriends have had a miscarriage in the past few years. At least 3 of my friends have battled infertility for over 2 years. It’s astonishing to me that it is so hard for all of these stable couples to start a family. Yet, why should I be surprised? Of course there is a battle against good, solid families being established.
The interesting thing about the miracle of life is that the miracle is no less when it happens without struggle. Every life that the Lord breathes into being is a miracle. Every child that is called forth into life is a miracle. So if we believe the Lord can create life inside of us at all, why is it so hard to believe He can do it in the face of adversity?
Not long after I found out about my health issues, the Lord spoke something very clearly to me. I heard Him say,
“Jessica, if you believe that I am all powerful and that I can do anything . . .and if you believe that I love you and would do it for you . . . then the only reason you are not pregnant right now is because I do not will for it to be so, right now.”
After I digested those words, I was filled with so much hope. I did believe that He could do anything. I guess I had a hard time believing that He’d do it for me. I didn’t realize that this was a reflection of what I believe to be true about His love for me. But His love for us is deep and it is wide and His heart holds our dream of motherhood very close. After all, He created us so intricately to serve this purpose.
About six months ago, my waiting came to an end. I came home from work early one day and I wasn’t feeling like myself. I thought I would take a pregnancy test just to see. You never know, right? And then. . .there they were. . .those coveted double pink lines. Oh the second line was faint, but it was there. By golly, it was there! I didn’t know if I should jump up and down or fall to my knees. Tears welled up in my eyes and I just began praising the Lord for our miracle. Yet I didn’t want to allow my heart to get carried away. What if it wasn’t accurate? Or worse, what if something terrible happened?
When my husband Dave came home, I showed him the test and in his own, adorable, reserved way he rejoiced with me. The following week, my doctor confirmed the test and being a believer who had prayed with me for this miracle, rejoiced as well.
I was beside myself. This was it. The miracle we had been asking for. It was really happening. I immediately dove into pregnancy books and websites, learning every little detail I could about how that little one was growing inside of me. I know they say that you shouldn’t share the news of pregnancy too soon, just in case something happens, but this was our miracle! Our whole family and small group and all of our friends had been praying heaven down into my womb. I was not about to walk in fear and keep this to myself. I wanted to proclaim from the rooftop what the Lord had done. And so we shared the good news with those that walked closest to us. I am so honored to say that was a good number of people.
Just about four weeks later, after a week of complications, our little one went to be with Jesus. Oh just typing this a few short months after it happened makes my heart hurt. I feel like something so precious slipped right out of my fingers and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was so full of hurt and grief and questions. It didn’t make any sense. Why would He give us this miracle after praying so hard only to take it away? What was the point of all those people interceding for this life if His sovereignty would lead to its death in the end? Why do I have to wait and wait while all these women around me effortlessly have babies?
Oh I have so many questions. And my answer to all of them is in the name, Jesus. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I know I may not understand all that He is doing but I choose to hope in Him. I'm learning that it is ok to ask the questions. . .to be honest with the state of my heart. As long as I come to the place of settling my heart on the promises He's already given me and the truth of who He is. I do not know how long this journey will last. But I'm not about to give up. There is life in the process. I choose to let it be birthed in me as I walk this road.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I'm Not On The Other Side. . .Yet.
As I write this, I am not yet on the other side of infertility. In fact, my journey has really just begun. It’s been 10 months since I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome and realized this road might be a long one. Perhaps the hardest part of it all is in not knowing how long it will be before I’ll hold my own sweet baby in my arms.
This blog is my way of journaling through this experience. I wish I had started this a while ago. But it's never too late! My dream is to someday encourage others with my story and the unique things the Lord has taught me along this road about myself and about His love for us.
Thanks for reading. By doing so you've joined me on the journey.
This blog is my way of journaling through this experience. I wish I had started this a while ago. But it's never too late! My dream is to someday encourage others with my story and the unique things the Lord has taught me along this road about myself and about His love for us.
Thanks for reading. By doing so you've joined me on the journey.
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