Hope Deferred. . .

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick. But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

This past week, after I discovered I had not yet conceived, I walked through every emotion and feeling of loss that I have felt each month before. Praise the Lord that this time I was able to get a handle on my emotions much more quickly than before, but the process (although shortened) made me realize that each month I do not conceive. . .I grieve.

But what am I grieving? I thought. I haven't lost another child.

While it's true that I have only lost one child on this journey, each month that goes by that does not produce life, I am forced to grieve my hope and belief that this is it. Maybe this sounds crazy but it's really a cyclical process that mimics the function of my female reproductive system.

At the beginning of the cycle I get my period. Of course that is no fun, but in reality it is really healthy. There is cleansing and balancing of our bodies during this time. Next, I produce follicles that will turn into eggs. There are buds of life and possibility. Every month I feel hope rise in me as I watch my cycle and discover I have finally ovulated. My body has done what it is supposed to do. Then, I do everything in my power to contend for life through prayer and obviously. . .attempted fertilization of those eggs (I'll leave out the specifics here for Dave's sake). And then I wait. And I hope. And I wait. And I hope. And then the answer comes. When the answer is no, the cycle starts all over again. But only after there is grieving.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. I think wise Solomon knew very well what he was saying when he wrote this Proverb. A good friend reminded me of this when I shared the news that I was not yet pregnant this month. She affirmed my need to deal with my emotions each time I received my answer. Someday soon I know that emotion will be joy. Until then, I continue to hope.

Persistence in Prayer

My 2WW has come to a close. It was a very busy two weeks. I wish I could tell you that kepy my mind from constantly wondering if there was life beginning inside of me. But it didn't. I still wondered and waited. . .

This past weekend, while I was sure I was not yet pregnant, I read in Luke about the Parable of the Persistent Widow. Jesus told his disciples that He would share this story so that they would "be encouraged to always pray and never give up." What a novel idea! And so I prayed and prayed. I utilized my right to come boldly to the throne of grace and make my petition before the Lord. If Jesus thought this widow was persistent, He hadn't seen anything yet. Check out this barren woman, Lord! I'll show you persistence. And so I asked. . .and I asked again. I continued to present my request before the Lord without wavering in my faith - all along knowing that I would have to be at peace with the answer.

This month I did not conceive. I'd like to be discouraged and confused because in this parable, the persistent widow got what she asked for right away. I wish it were that simple. I am glad that I persisted. . .that I accessed my place in the throne room and honestly poured out my heart to the Lord. Actually, although I am sad and disappointed, I feel closer to Jesus because of the time I spent petitioning before Him. I know that this intimacy is more important than any answered prayer that awaits.

And so I will start Clomid again in a few days. And I am gearing up to lay it all before Him for yet another month.

Give Way

I ovulated again this month. Woo hoo! I don't know if I've ovulated two months in a row in years. How sad is that?! So it seems by body is responding well to the Clomid. I am thankful for this medical measure but I continue to confess the sovereignty of God and His power over all creation. I am asking Him to create life in me this month. I believe that He will if this is His timing. So here I go. . .the 2WW.

You know, even with all of the breakthrough and revelation, I don't think I've ever felt less in control of my life than I do right now. I suppose that means I'm exactly where the Lord wants me. It's not until you are out of control completely that you realize how much control you've taken in the past. It's a scary thought. What have I missed out on because I tried to take control? What have I affected in my life by my need to control?

I don't think anyone who knows me would call me a control freak. Sometimes the most dangerous flaws are the sneaky ones. I am so thankful for this season where revelation is coming in this area of my life. The Lord has such a sweet way of bringing things into the light through our circumstances.

I took some time to catch my breath tonight and I realized that this season is all about me giving up control. I cannot make the things happen that I am believing to happen. All I can do is press through this hard time as I allow Him to gain full control and receive full glory.

Last winter, Dave and I went to England with his parents. I just love England. The English have a funny way of communicating things very obviously. We Americans try to make up fancy terms for things. Like "yield." We totally made up that word. In England, where you might expect to find a yield sign, you'll find a sign that simply says, "Give Way." When I saw that sign for the first time, I thought - "what a concept!" Give Way.

Dave and I are believing for so many things right now. Not just a child. But for our divine destiny. It can be so overwhelming at times. I'm sure that I won't be perfect in my release, but I will purpose to give way for Him to act and for Him to receive all the glory through our lives.