Part Of It Is In Me. . .

Lately, I have been following along with the daily readings of Streams In The Desert. I encourage any of you that may be going through a tough time right now to get this devotional and read it daily. You can find it on www.amazon.com.

Every day, without fail, these readings express something so profound in relation to faith and suffering. It has been an amazing encouragement to both Dave and me. Yesterday, it spoke of a storm and the evidence of itself that is left behind.

"But the storm swept on, and passed out of the valley; and if I had sat in the same place the following day, and said, "Where is that terrible storm? . . ." the grass would have said, "Part of it is in me." and the daisy would have said, "Part of it is in me." and the fruits and the flowers and everything that grows in the ground would have said, "Part of it is in me." . . .Fear not the stormy tempest that is at this moment sweeping through your life. A blessing is in the storm, and there will be rich fruit in the afterward."

May we not let this storm pass without allowing its power and its purpose to become a part of us.

The Beauty and The Pain

I think one of the most amazing things about life is that it is filled with so much beauty and so much pain. It's funny how both can bring a rush of emotion that take your breath away.

This past week we experienced a lot of pain. But we also saw a glimpse of beauty. Our friends who have been on a very long and similar journey of loss and hope, just welcomed their little miracle baby girl into the world. So many people have asked if that is hard for me. I can honestly say not in the least bit.

Welcome to our world sweet Savannah. Your life is a symbol of hope and victory to me. I can't wait to know you.

Focus. . .

Dave and I have done pretty well walking through this grieving process. On the one hand it's a lot harder since we just lost our second child. On the other hand, it's a little easier because we just lost our second child. I think we hurt a little more this time but we know how to respond, we know what to do and we know the truth.

I have to admit, I have been so surprised at how hard Dave has taken it this time. It's actually sorta sweet. I always knew Dave would be a great daddy, but now I know for sure that he will give his whole heart to our little one. I think he already did. This week has not been easy for Dave. He started his new job. Although we are so thankful for this new job, it was horrible timing. Horrible timing in our eyes. But we know the Lord knows what He's doing. Dave has been so strong. Pressing through these first few weeks at work while taking care of me physically and emotionally. I am so blessed. I have the most wonderful partner in the world and so I think. . .I have to believe God knows what He's doing - He knew exactly what I needed in a partner to walk through life with. If it weren't for Dave. . .and Dave and I traveling down this road together. . .I would have given up by now.

Yesterday we made it back to church. I have to admit, it was a little ambitious of me to think I could handle it. We had kids church duty this week. Actually, it's not the kids that are hard to be around. Honestly, most of those kids make me have second thoughts on whether or not I really do want children : ). No, it's not the kids. . .it's the moms. It's the moms walking around with all of their cute little ones. . .sending them off to kids church with a wide smile and a tender kiss. And even more then just the moms with the little ones attached to their hips. . .it's the pregnant women. Did I mention I go to a really young church. . .I think there are literally 15 pregnant women in my church right now. It's enough to drive you mad.

But through all of the grieving and all of the madness (I was shoved between 2 pregnant women and 3 infants in line today at Panera for lunch), the Lord has been reminding me to keep my eyes on Him. It's like a scene from one of those sports movies where the coach is driving the athlete. . ."Look at me. You can do this. Don't take your eyes off of me. Focus. Focus. You can make it. Look right into my eyes."

I'm so often tempted to look to the right and to the left. . .to all of the people around me that don't have to go through this. This makes me weak for the journey. And I know we can only make it on this road if we keep our eyes fixed on Him as we go.

He's Just Not Through With Our Story Yet

Last Thursday Dave and I went in for our 12 week appointment. We had anticipated this day for months. With no signs of any problems, we were excited to see our baby once again and move into the second trimester of our pregnancy.

I knew something was not right when the ultrasound tech left the room to get my doctor. A minute later, Heather came in with streams of tears falling from her eyes. Our little one had no heartbeat. We had lost another child.

It's amazing how tragedy knocks the wind right out of you. You go along thinking everything is just fine. . .planning for the future. . .dreaming. . .And then within moments, it can all be taken away.

We have run the gamut of emotion this weekend. . .feeling everything from confusion to grief to fear to outright anger. And we are letting ourselves feel it all. We won't stay in this place, but it's important to move through it. There are moments when I feel like we are going to make it just fine and there are moments I feel like I might just stop breathing because it hurts so much.

One thing is for sure. The holy presence of our living God is the only comfort that we need. He has been with us so close these past few days. We have felt His spirit dwelling among us and wrapping His arms around us, and we have felt His love through our amazing friends who have not left our side for a moment.

What we have been through. . .what we are going through - it doesn't make any sense to us. We would drive ourselves mad trying to figure it out. The only thing I know for sure is that He is faithful and His ways are holy. He's just not through with our story yet. Believe me, I'd rather not have this type of a story, thank you very much. But whatever He requires for the fullness of His glory to be revealed - that I will do.

Sure Peace

This week I have really been convicted about my lack of peace as I walk through this time. Sunday, my pastor spoke a message about the fruit of intimacy with the Lord and one area of fruit he mentioned was "sure peace." This just confirmed the stirring in my heart that I must access the peace available to me to quiet my heart and rest in Him.

On Thursday I will be 12 weeks. We'll have another ultrasound then and I know once it's past me I will feel very differently. But the truth is. . .I should feel that assurance now. Honestly, my lack of a settled spirit has not only been about the wellness of the child growing inside me. Sure, that's been a big part of it, but I've been freaking out about everything from - Am I going to show too early because I didn't lose weight before I got pregnant? to What if I am not eating right? to How will my clients react when I tell them I'm expecting?

I'm sure this is all very normal, but I don't want to be normal. I want my process to reflect the fruit of my relationship with the Lord. I want this to be different. The funny thing is, I have this picture on the wall of my bedroom. It says HOPE. (Hope is what we will name the baby if it is a girl). Then underneath it has the scripture, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing" Romans 15:13. This scripture brought me through my process as I waited to conceive. Towards the end, I was filled with so much peace and joy as I waited. And now that the Lord has done this wonderful thing. . .has allowed me to conceive, I feel like I'm starting the process all over again.

It just proves to me that we must always be on guard against the plans and schemes of the enemy. He would love for me to fall apart and for the testimony of my process to be ruined. I am so glad that I have been made aware of this so that I may fight it with everything in me. I don't want to be hard on myself. I realize that certain thoughts and concerns are normal and just part of this journey. . .but I committed to the Lord over a year ago when I started down this road, that I would purpose to point to Him, no matter what.

He has given me a sure peace. No, I have not tapped into it as much as I could and should. But thank the Lord that I can not only access His peace, but also His grace that covers me when I am weak.

The Provision of the Lord

I can not even begin to express the fullness and joy that comes from the faithfulness of God. He is so good. No matter what we have to walk through, no matter what He requires. . .He will not leave us or forsake us. He will fulfill His promises.

I beam like this because last week, after waiting on the Lord for over two years, my sweet husband got a new job! This is an answer to many long hours of prayer. It is a victory after much contending for God's will for Dave in this season.

Now I don't write too much about Dave, so let me just share. Dave is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. He is steadfast and strong to say the least, but not all that stubborn. Well maybe a little : ) He's just a great balance of will and emotion and he's been an example to me every day since we began to share our lives together.

Dave knew he wanted a new job over two years ago. His company is downtown so the commute is no fun. Not to mention that being in the area has made him virtually alienated from anyone he might want to have lunch with every now and then. His boss never followed through on any promises to help develop and grow him. And last but not least. . .he made about 30% less than he should have made in the position.

Yet Dave never complained. Sure, he'd let me know when the day was hard and I was well aware that we wanted out. But he didn't carry it around with him (like I might have). He just pressed into the Lord and persevered. He didn't even start looking for a new job until he felt completely released.

About 3 months ago, he felt like it was time. We spent hours on Monster and Career Builder. I felt the Lord reveal to me to pray for Dave to have an advocate. Unlike a lot of us, Dave was not able to "network" in his job. He didn't interact with many people and it made him feel very alone in his search. He met with numerous recruiters and went on a few interviews. When he was just about ready to give up, he got a call from another recruiter and although he was reluctant, he took the meeting. This guy was our answer to prayer. He and Dave hit it off and I knew he would be the advocate I had prayed for.

I'll make a long story short and tell you that within a week of the interview this recruiter set up for Dave, he was offered the position! The office is in Cool Springs so his commute will be cut in half (or better). The job is everything we've been believing for. When I told Dave to not be so picky with the salary. . .that as long as he got a nice raise, we'd be fine. . .he said, "Why shouldn't I believe the Lord for abundance?" Wow. I'm glad I didn't mess things up. Because the Lord has blessed us so abundantly through this new position. I've learned through this that as a wife, I'd better not let my fear get the best of me. I need to be in tune to what the Lord is doing. I really could have messed things up!

Dave is so happy and so relieved and he gives the Lord the glory for all of it. Whatever you are believing for right now. . .keep on believing. Just as Dave and I have learned in the past 18 months. . .the Lord's timing is not always in line with our thinking. . .but as we wait on Him, He brings abundance.

It's worth waiting for His best. . .really it is. No one ever gets to God's will after a long wait and looks back and says, "Gee, why'd that take so long?" We always get there right on time and we look back and say, "Oh, I get it."