Completion?

Today I am doing a lot more reflecting on the past year. Of course, isn't that what we all do? On this day last year, I remember crying a lot. We had recently had our first miscarriage. . .we were living in a temporary home, waiting for ours to be built. . .I was very overwhelmed at work. . .I just felt like I hadn't accomplished anything in 2006. Emotionally and spiritually, I felt like I was worse off at the end of the year then when it began. I remember thinking I really hope 2007 is better than this.

A few weeks later, my pastor shared with us his vision for 2007. He declared 2007 a year of completion for us. Of course, I had so many of my own ideas about what that would and should look like. It didn't really turn out like I had planned, but I am so thankful to stand here today at the end of 2007. I have joy in my heart as I look back over 2007 with no regrets. . .and I have hope as I look to 2008 for those things that have not yet been completed.

This year marked so many wonderful things. My parents moved to town (the first time I've had them close for over 12 years), Dave finally got a new job and because of that provision, I was able to cut back my hours at work. Dave and I became leaders of a small group at church and although we were a little scared at first to lead, we are loving this new family that has grown together this year. And last but not least of course, we are now 18 weeks pregnant with our little girl!

This year also marked many hard and sorrowful things. We miscarried our baby girl over the summer and then endured fertility treatment (not too extensive, but never really that fun) to conceive this child. We've walked with my parents who have had a bit of a difficult time transitioning here and my brother and his wife lost a baby to miscarriage right before Christmas.

I purpose to be joyful over the triumphs and hopeful through the tragedies. I know that although 2007 was a year of completion in many ways. . .like I said before, He just isn't finished yet. Sure, I would have loved for Him to wrap it all up nicely with a little bow in time for Christmas this year. . .but He did not. And so I continue to hope and to believe and to not lose heart.

I continue to pray for all of you. . .that you will have the same mixture of joy and hope as you move into 2008. He is working it all together for our good.

Christmas

I just love Christmas. Celebrating the birth of our Saviour with all the fancy decorations and yummy food. . .reflecting on all that He did for us in sending His son, and letting it remind me of all He is capable of doing.

We had a wonderful holiday this year. Dave and I got to celebrate with both sets of parents on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (I'm so glad they get along well). But for me, it was especially special to have my parents close this holiday. They've visited here in the past for Christmas. . .but there is just something about living close and doing life and Christmas together. It really means a lot to me, especially during this season of my life.

Despite the fact that I could not fully indulge myself in the delicacies of Christmas, I still had a wonderful time and I can honestly say I didn't feel deprived at all. Now that is the grace of God!!

As I look back over the year, I am reflecting on how challenging it has been and yet I am so hopeful for the completion of things. . . for myself and my family. This year did not quite turn out like I had planned (I am not surprised), but I declare that He has done great things and that He is not finished yet!

I pray that all of you will be able to confess the same as you roll into 2008. . .it will be a year of new beginnings and unfinished business. . .if we yield to His ways, for they are much, much higher than ours.

Why Is The World Broken?

I know the answer to this question. I guess I'm posing it because the world seems particularly broken to me today. My heart is heavy and many times when it is, I question things I already know.

I have several family members going through tough times right now. I want so badly to make everything ok for everyone. . . like somehow the power of what I have come to believe will magically fix things for others. But the truth is. . .as hard as it is to walk rough roads. . .we all must walk them from time to time. Some of us more often than others. I'm not sure why.

But today my heart is particularly heavy for Angela. Angela is a girl that I do not really know. We have a mutual friend who has connected us because we've both struggled with infertility. Angela became pregnant a few months ago with triplets. A seemingly bountiful blessing for someone who has longed for a child for years. Today Angela went into premature labor at about 22 weeks and because of the lack of development of those little ones, not even one of them will see life on this earth. I know they are in heaven. . .with my babies. . .and my friend's babies. Oh the army of little ones in heaven gets larger and larger, and that I just don't understand.

Why is the world broken? I said I know the answer. . .but I think my answer is to a different question. I know how the world became broken, but truly none of us knows why. We know it came in the garden, when Adam and Eve made a poor decision that opened their eyes to good and evil. But we don't really know why the Lord allowed this brokenness to come.

My only hope right now is in the power of prayer. For months I questioned the purpose and effectiveness of prayer; after experiencing my own devastating loss. As much as I don't understand the timing involved with prayer, I do know that it works. . .not as some super-voodoo way of getting what we want, when we want it, but rather as a way to expressing to our Father our desperate need for His intervention and grace.

I confess that my prayers for our little girl have become less frequent and fervent in the past few weeks. Of course I still pray for her and this pregnancy but not as fiercely as I did my first trimester. Today has taught me in many ways that it's not over till it's over. There is never a good time to sit back, take a sigh of relief and think you've arrived. We must contend until the very end. . .and by the very end I mean when the Lord returns. As long as this world is broken (and it will be until Jesus comes), our only hope is in Him and our only comfort is to cling to Him daily.

Will you pray with me today? For my family and for Angela. That the Lord will bring quick relief and comfort during these difficult times. I don't always understand His ways - but I know He is faithful. And if I can't stand on that truth, then not even the most fervent prayers will bring wholeness to this world.

It's a. . .

We had a great appointment on Thursday. Heather sneaked us into the ultrasound room and asked the tech to do a quick check to see what we are having. The girl that was there on Thursday happens to be the one that did our 12 week ultrasound with the last baby, so I think she was so excited to see us back at almost 16 weeks and thus was willing to do whatever it took to get us an answer.

At first she wasn't too sure. I don't see a penis, she kept saying. (Why is it ok to say penis 15 times when talking about a little one?) But she wasn't 100% sure. Then, at the very last minute, we got such a clear look, there was no question about it.

It's a girl!!!

I chose not to post the ultrasound picture. That angle they need to take is not very lady like. . .and I don't want my sweet girl starting out her life with indecent pictures on the internet. We'll have another look in 3 weeks and I'll get a nice photo to post of her.

Dave and I are so excited to know and attach more identity to this child. Of course, I've already gone out and bought a few cute girlie outfits and I can't stop dreaming about the nursery.

The Lord is so faithful and now that we know who is growing inside of me, it makes us even more grateful to Him for this life.

Boy or Girl?

I haven't written in a little while. I guess I've been so wrapped up with this diabetes thing. Intricately planning every meal and watching the clock to check your blood sugar really does consume your mind! But I'm happy to say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not eating all that much. 1800 calories per day. . .which feels like I'm on a diet. I thought you weren't supposed to diet when you were pregnant! I went to a holiday party last night and I am so proud to say I didn't have any dessert. There was toffee, cookies, brownie trifle and coconut fudge torte. And me, I had nothing! Woo hoo! That is quite an accomplishment.

This morning I am going in for my next OB appointment. It's funny how every time I go in I get the same nervous feeling. I think no matter how far along I am, I will always battle this. I'm pressing into the Lord for peace and I'm trying to believe with all my might. . .but I have to admit, I've really battled fear lately. I've learned that it's ok to be honest with these emotions, but I just can't stay there. I will continue to declare that there is strong life growing inside of me. . . that He is faithful to complete this.

My doctor is actually going to try and look to see what we are having today. She said there's a 50/50 chance she'll be able to tell. The ultrasound tech in her office was able to tell on herself when she was pregnant at 13 weeks. I'm hoping, but not too much. If not today, we'll know in about a month. I have felt for a while that it's a boy. . .but I've had 3 dreams that it's a girl. So at this point, I'm not going to try to call it either way.

So off I go. . .to another milestone moment. I know there will be many more of them to come on this journey. I will not stop contending for victory and for this child!

Christmas Without Sweets. . .

Well, it seems that will be my reality. My doctor called today to say I failed my second glucose screening which means I do in fact have gestational diabetes. My first reaction was to cry. Do I really need one more thing to worry about in this pregnancy? (My sweet friend Kristy is laughing right now because she totally understands what I mean.)

But. . .I've pulled myself together and I've decided that this is a good thing. I've needed a good kick in the pants for a long time now in the area of diet and exercise. I was doing so well a few years back. . .getting into a routine, working out, eating better. Then as each month passed and our "journey to starting a family" became harder, I lost the will to fight for this part of my life.

Of course I had it in me to fight for a baby. . .but that's just about all I had in me. I remember telling my friend, "I just can't fight two battles at once." Although I think the Lord understood my exhaustion, I also think He was waiting there all along ready to give me the strength to fight it all.

My doctor told me that I probably couldn't have prevented this earlier with diet and exercise (thank God or I'd be feeling really guilty right now), so this might be exactly what I need to finish this battle and claim not only a healthy child, but a healthy mama as well.

So there you have it. I probably won't partake in many of the wonderful delicacies that my family will prepare this Christmas. Those of you that are familiar with my sweet tooth understand how disappointing this is. Yet it's funny how everything comes into view when you are getting ready to become a parent and be responsible for another life. My husband's English trifle or a healthy baby. . .trifle. . .baby. . .trifle. . .baby. I think you know which one I'd choose, any time of the year.