Should I FEEL Pregnant?

I haven't written in a little while because I'm actually trying not to think about my pregnancy too much. I know that sounds silly. I guess I should say I'm trying not to dwell on it. If I do. . .I'll end up counting the hours until I'm at 12 weeks - my next milestone. So instead I just keep trying to focus on other things. It's not really working.

Doesn't sound very "faith-filled" does it? Well I don't claim to have it all down pat yet. But I'm working on it.

Things are going really well. I don't really FEEL pregnant. Even my slight nausea has pretty much stopped. I'm a bit tired but not as much as a few weeks ago. So I just keep trusting that little one is growing inside me. . .even though there is little to no sign of them.

I'll be 10 weeks in a few days. One of my friends told me her doctor told her it was safe to tell the world at 10 weeks. So that made me feel a bit excited. Isn't funny how I'm gauging my excitement on when it's ok to tell the world? And of course, when I get to start wearing maternity clothes!

Dave and I have begun dreaming about the nursery and our plans for the next 6-9 months as we look to welcome a child into our lives. It's been fun to take little baby steps towards being completely unguarded about the whole thing. I know the time will come when I can shout it from the rooftops.

Until then, I suppose I'll enjoy the somewhat secret thought that every day I carry with me a life that will soon change mine.

Introducing Baby W!

Well after what seemed like a lifetime of waiting (about 3 1/2 weeks) we finally had our first ultrasound on Thursday. I wish I could tell you I was completely at peace and that I knew everything would be fine. But to be honest, I was unsure and I knew that I needed to see that little blob and hear that heartbeat to become completely excited about this baby.

My doctor reported that everything looked wonderful. The baby was exactly 8 weeks in size and the heartbeat was strong at 170 bpm. We even got to hear it! What an amazing thing.

So this is one milestone down. . .with many more to come. I continue to trust the Lord. . .for His faithfulness is the only sure thing we have to stand on. As we continue to walk this out and with each passing week, I find myself getting more and more excited and the fact that I am pregnant becoming more and more real.

I still have that settled peace in the bottom of my heart that this is it. . .and so I must tap into it. Sometimes every hour of every day I have to dig deep to access it. But I will. . .until I hold this baby in my arms. . .and I'm sure beyond.

Seven Weeks and Counting. . .

Today I am seven weeks. . .which happens to be when I lost our last baby. So needless to say I'm even more so fighting fear that something will again go wrong. Although honestly, as much as those thoughts come to my mind and I chase them out. . .I have a settled peace in the bottom of my heart that this is it. I know that is the work of the Lord coming from the truth He's spoken over THIS pregnancy. I keep holding on to it.

It just goes to show you that the process never ends. I have one week left to wait for my first ultrasound. I keep counting the days and although seeing our baby on that screen will give me even more peace. . .it's just one more milestone on this journey. After that, I will count the days until my second trimester - when I will know for sure that everything is ok. But will I? The fact is, I will continue to have to trust the Lord throughout this entire pregnancy and beyond. The trusting never ends.

I know if I glean all I can now from this process, it will really help me with anything I have to face in life. . .as a mother, a wife, a friend. I've said from the beginning that I really felt the Lord had us on this faith journey because someday the stakes would be higher. We do not know what the Lord will require of us as we walk through life. I know I'd better take this time to build the foundation of faith that will take me through to eternity.

Forgetting the Former Things

Yesterday I was officially six weeks pregnant. This whole week thing kinda confuses me. I'm six weeks because it's been six weeks since I had my period so now I'm starting my seventh week right? Oh who knows!

I have to admit, I've spent a lot of time fighting fear these past two weeks. There is such a fine line between faith and guarding your heart. I'm trying to find it, really I am. As I was battling thoughts of miscarraige one day, I felt the Lord say,

"Jessica, the destiny of this child has already been determined. So all you have to do is rest in Me."

I keep reminding myself of that. But I battle the war between that truth and the memories of losing our last child. I keep comparing each and every little detail, convincing myself that this time it's different. And once again, I have to be reminded of the verse He gave me even before I knew I was pregnant.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

I guess I'm chock full of truth to lean on. My head knows it all. . .the hard part is allowing my heart to rest on it.

And once again, I'm finding out more of what this journey is all about.