No, Really. . .Here We Go. . .

Our appointment yesterday went really well. Dr. Hill was very nice and very thorough as we talked through my history. He said that I've received a comprehensive work up already and there's not much more we can do. He was impressed at the care and attention I have received thus far. I have to agree. Heather has been so good to me.

I'll skip all the super fun details and just tell you that he ruled out a lot of the more scary issues that were possible. We were relieved once again to hear that. He said he's concerned that I have a luteal phase defect. I've wondered that myself (I do a lot of research, can you tell? Most of you are like. . .a luteal what? I won't go into the details about what that is. Basically a problem that stems from my hormonal imbalance. From my understanding it has a lot to do with the foundation of a pregnancy. If your luteal phase is not up to par, there is a good chance the pregnancy will be lost. Don't quote me on any of this. My doctor and nurse friends are likely reading this and cringing at my simple and inaccurate explaination.

All that to say, we just have to continue to use Clomid and then I'll get a hormone injection on a certain day of the month. Not too much different than what we did before.

Dave and I left very hopeful and at peace. I can honestly say I am no longer afraid of conceiving again. I know the waiting will be hard. . .waiting to see if I am pregnant, then waiting to make sure the baby is ok. . .but I feel even more prepared for the wait now that He has proven it's all out of my control.

I started the Clomid again last night. How's that for timing? It actually happened to be the right day to get started. So here we go again. We wait. . .and we hope.

Here We Go. . .

This afternoon we have our first appointment with the Nashville Feritlity Center. I really don't know what to expect, so Dave and I are praying for divine wisdom and discernment. This is just the next step on our journey. I am anxious about whether or not they will let us start trying again right away. . .or if they will want to do more tests first. Although the desire of my heart is to have a child as soon as humanly possible, this journey has already proven that He is the author of life. Every moment. . .every detail. . .can impact us and our child's destiny. I don't want to rush His hand.

So today, I will hold on to what the Lord spoke to me weeks ago. . .put one foot in front of the other and walk as you keep your eyes fixed on me.

This is simply our next step. . .so here we go.

Oaks Of Righteousness

Another great verse for the day! Thank God His Word is full of truth and encouragement. I've really needed it this week.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because He has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion—to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

Isaiah 61:1-3

This promise is for us to carry to minister to others, but it also ministers directly to me as I realize that I may be called an Oak of Righteousness. That I may put on the garment of praise instead of the faint spirit I've carried this week.

I am the planting of the Lord. . .but only that He may be glorified.

Let Your Broken Bones Rejoice

Last night my doctor gave me my medical files to bring with me to the infertility specialist on Monday. Of course, I couldn't wait to look at them. I am such a sucker for information. I knew what they said. Heather had explained it all to me. But stupid me sat in bed, tired from the day, and read over all my labs and reports for the past 2 years. What a dummy I am! Moments later, I laid there just crying and crying. Poor Dave was asleep and I woke him up. He did his best to comfort me in the midst of his sleepiness. I just felt sad. Crushed. Tired. Broken. And so I cried and cried until I fell asleep.

Then this morning I came in to work, still a little sad and crushed. Every day in my email, I receive The Daily Verse from a girl named Kat that I used to work with. She chooses a verse and then writes a few sentances of encouragement. It's a simple little ministry she started years ago. Almost every morning is speaks loudly to me. This morning it practically shouted. She wrote:

"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice."
Psalm 51:8

"Sometimes things happen that we feel like literally crush our bones. They rock our confidence, steal our sense of security, and cause us to lose our balance and perspective. However, God is God. Each and every thing you encounter is going to be a building block toward you becoming more like Him. Take a moment this morning to allow the bones that have been crushed, the spirit that has been faint and the confidence that has been shot, to wake up to new perspective and pour out joy and gladness, for you have the hand of the Creator on you...and He's up to something!"

I receive this strong word and I hope you do too. Let us pour out joy and gladness today, even in the midst of our pain.

Pointless Pain?

Yesterday we got to church late. I know you are shocked, but it does happen. We ended up having to sit on the side opposite where we normally sit. We normally sit on the really cool, young, hip side of the church with most of our friends. But yesterday we sat on the other side where many older couples and the youth usually sit. We really are not a segragated church. This is just how it's been for a while now.

I looked around a bit and to my surprise I did not see one pregnant girl. I know, I know. It's shocking in our very fertile church body. But there was not one. I was so excited. Finally, I could worship and listen without being distracted. I could breathe deeply without wanting to scream. It was so refreshing. No big bellys in my face, taunting me with their cute maternity clothes and happy smiles. I said to Dave after church, "Honey, I don't know why I haven't thought about this before, but there are no pregos over here. We should sit here until I am at least 5 months pregnant!" He laughed and basically told me to get over it. He was right. (Newsflash: He usually is!)

I probably won't be sitting on the "other side" of the church in the coming months. No offense to the wonderful, wise couples or energetic youth that fill those seats in the land of the non-pregnant. It's just that I realized later that every time I go to church and sit amongst those who already have what I want so badly. . .every time I raise my hands in worship in the midst of a constant reminder that it's not yet my turn. . .every time I overcome. . .I am bringing glory to Him and providing a point to my pain.

I do not want my pain to be pointless. After all the pain - both emotionally and physically - what a shame it would be if it meant nothing. Produced nothing.

Let's commit together to not allow our pain to be pointless. Whatever it is you are going through right now. . .let your response and your faith bring glory to Him. If we can't do that, our pain truly is without a point. And honestly, that's just a waste of our brokeness.

The Promise

Read something great today. . .just thought I'd share.

Every promise is built upon four pillars: God's justice and holiness, which will not suffer Him to deceive; His grace or goodness, which will not suffer Him to forget; His truth, which will not suffer Him to change, which makes Him able to accomplish.

Holding on to the promise. . .

All Is Well. . .

Heather (my doctor) called this weekend to tell me that all of our pending tests came back normal. Yes. . .it is now officially confirmed that my husband is a male. We were both relieved. About all the tests that is, not that he was a normal male. . .I was pretty sure of that. : )

We ARE very relieved. Heather mentioned a few things that were a bit off but nothing to be concerned about. I am glad that we will meet with Dr. Hill at the Nashville Fertility Center in 2 weeks though, just to get a second opinion and make doubly sure that we have nothing to worry about moving forward.

I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. Although I have no guarantees that our next pregnancy will be to term, I am now very encouraged that I should not believe otherwise. After we discovered our little girl's heart was no longer beating, my very first thought was - I don't think I can do this again. I can now say that I think I can.

We will never stop having to trust the Lord for His perfect will, His provision, His protection, but I am thankful to Him for these answers that offer us a bit more peace of mind as we move forward on our journey.

Thanks to all of you who have partnered with us in prayer.

For Growth and Glory

Today marks one month since our awful visit to the doctor when we found out our little girl had gone to be with Jesus. It's amazing how time almost stands still when you are counting the days until your 12 week appointment, yet it flies when you are rushing the whirlwind of a tragedy.

I got a haircut yesterday. Chopped it off. I just felt like I needed to do something fun for myself. I'd also love to have a day at the spa. . .oh wait, I'm doing that this Saturday. Yipppeeee!

The month of August will likely be a bit challenging for me. Lots of waiting. Lots of time to process and think through what has happened and what is to come. The other night, I was lying in bed trying to turn off my mind and I just couldn't do it. Very close to me on the nightstand sat a very tempting bottle of percocet. I have to tell you, it's been hard to not just let myself get hooked on those suckers. They relax me so much. When I think back to taking them right after the D&C, I have almost comforting thoughts of laying there so still and so relaxed and falling asleep. OK, I totally sound like an addict. But seriously, isn't there something less addicting that I could take that would have the same affect? Hmmm??? Wine! I keep joking with Dave that it's either the percocet or wine. I think either would be dangerous for me. So last night I laid there on my back very, very still and void of any alcohol or narcotics until I got sleepy and drifted off. Hey - it sorta worked. I think I'm safest to try that for now.

One of the things I've thought about most this past month is how much I'd rather not be going through this process. Oh, I know the process will produce much growth and I know it's for His glory but couldn't He have chosen someone else? When this fleshly complaint plagues my mind, I try to combat it with thoughts of all the amazing people in the Bible who probably would rather have not been chosen to do what they were chosen to do.

I'm pretty sure Moses would rather have not wandered the desert for 40 years.
I'm pretty sure Noah would rather not have built that ark.
I'm pretty sure David would rather not have gone to war against Goliath.
I'm pretty sure Jonah would rather not have been inside the belly of a whale.
I'm pretty sure Mary would rather not have become pregnant as a teenage virgin.
And I'm pretty sure Jesus would rather not have endured the cross.
(Read Matthew 26 for His very honest conversation with the Father.)

The list goes on and on. And as I go over the list in my head, I am reminded that this is nothing. Sure, it's tough. It actually sucks to be honest with you. But it's nothing compared to the pain, the loss, the waiting and the hurting that those who have gone before have endured. I mean, this is just the tip of the iceburg of the biblical list of persevering believers. What about people like Corrie Ten Boom or Watchman Nee? Suddenly, I feel like such a weak woman for even considering to lament over my pain.

I asked my husband one night, "I wonder what hurts most. Not being able to conceive or conceiving and losing 2 babies?" He replied, "I suppose whatever is happening to you is what hurts the most." I do not want to belittle my pain or anyone else's pain. What we feel is very valid and very real. We have to be honest with ourselves and with the Lord about our struggle. But we also have to keep things in perspective. It's so easy to get so focused on your pain that you miss the big picture.

Each one of these giants of the faith had a choice and each one of us that is walking a difficult road have a choice. We can choose to retreat or to follow through for our growth and for His Glory.

Answers

After three weeks of waiting, my doctor called yesterday to say the results were in from the genetic testing they did on our baby after the D&C.

Our little baby. . .or should I say our little girl. . .had Turner Syndrome. Honestly, I'm not yet sure how this makes me feel. Dave and I talked a lot about it last night. I also spoke to a good friend who lost a baby to Turner Syndrome a few years ago. I just needed to process.

Part of me is very sad. It's a little more personal to know that the baby was a girl and that there was something wrong with her. I guess the mother in me now wishes I could have protected her. But I'm told that there was nothing we could have done and so I have to rest in that.

The other part of me feels relieved. This probably means that I am able to carry a child just fine. There may not be anything wrong with me. Now that we've figured out that I can conceive even with my PCOS and that we lost this child due to a chromosomal abnormality, I have every reason to believe our next pregnancy will be fine.

I am just so thankful to the Lord that He provided an answer through this test. I know that it could have come back inconclusive. I'm such a lover of information so I think it would have been really hard for me to not know if there was anything wrong.

I realize that this was such a small request in the grand scheme of my petitions before the Lord during this journey. But I am professing His faithfulness and I declare that He does give answers to our requests. I'm still holding out for the big, fat "Yes" - but for now, this will do to get me to put one foot in front of the other as I walk this road.

Super Fun Fertility Testing

This past week Dave and I began the initial fertility testing that is recommended to find out more about why I've not been able to sustain a pregnancy. One of those tests is the very lovely HSG.

Now. . .with all I've been through over the past 18 months, I've lost any level of modesty that I might have had. With doctors and nurses constantly poking around in very sacred places, nothing phases me anymore. Now I know why they say after you have a baby, your modesty goes out the window. I can tell you one thing. . .it flew away a long time ago. I just wish I had a baby to show for it.

So for this super fun HSG test, they basically fill my uterus with dye to see if there is any abnormal shape and to make sure that my fallopian tubes are open. I probably could have told them the tubes were open, after all I have conceived twice. But still they needed to check. Sure enough. . . there was a clear road to babyville and babyville (that would be my uterus) looks perfectly normal. I guess babyville just ain't accepting visitors at this time.

You may wonder why I'm taking such a light hearted approach to this whole thing. I don't know. Today I feel light hearted about it. And gosh darn it, I'd better hold on to that as long as possible. Because you never know. . .I could come crashing down at any moment.

But honestly, I do take this whole journey of testing very seriously. The prayer that we are praying and that we ask you to pray is that revelation will come from these tests. I am well aware of the fact that nothing may come from them. But that is not stopping me from begging my Lord to show us something. . .anything. . .so that I don't have to go into a third pregnancy blind.

If there is anything I've learned about prayer in the last year though, it is this. . .we should pray as though a yes is inevitable, believe as though anything is possible, and trust as though however He answers is what we prayed.