Good News!

Well it is official, I am pregnant and things are progressing well. Praise the Lord! The doctor's office called to say my levels a little more than doubled. That's what we wanted! I will have my first ultrasound in about 2 1/2 weeks.

I ask you all to please pray that Dave and I will be at peace as we wait for the ultrasound. . .and of course beyond. I am well aware that the next nine months will completely be a walk of faith. . .just like each pregnancy before this has been. I am asking the Lord though that this will be it.

Believing it into existence. . .

The Verdict

Our 2WW has officially come to a close. On Tuesday morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Although I was excited and I felt in my heart I was pregnant, I remainded guarded until I went to see the doctor to confirm. Because the shot I took two weeks ago is actually the HCG (pregnancy hormone) I was afraid it was a false positive. The doctor's office took blood on Tuesday to check my HCG and progesterone levels but I had to wait until Wednesday afternoon to get the results. If that wasn't bad enough, Wednesday afternoon, 5pm rolls around and no one had called. I was actually a bit angry. I was so annoyed that they were robbing me of the peace of knowing I was really pregnant. The Lord quickly reminded me that my peace does not come from the doctor or the nurse or anyone but Him. So I calmed down just in time to go to LifeGroup.

I finally got the call yesterday afternoon. I am officially pregnant and the levels are great. I went in again yesterday to make sure I am progressing well. I won't know until later this afternoon (hopefully) that the pregnancy is good. I ask you all to please be praying that I receive good news today. My HCG level needs to double. That's how they know the pregnancy is progressing well.

I have to admit, we are a bit guarded and I, myself am battling a bit of fear. Not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The day we found out we lost the baby in July, I was sure I could never go through early pregnancy again. I know now that I can do it, but I need the strength and peace of the Lord and our friends and family.

I keep telling myself there is no reason why anything should be wrong with our baby but I am still asking the Lord every time the fear intrudes on my thoughts, that I would be able to carry this baby to term and that it would be completely whole and healthy. We appreciate you praying that prayer with us as well.

We ask that anyone reading my blog not share this news with anyone else. I wanted so badly to follow through on journaling my process, but we also do not want the world to know yet. And for those that are close to us that do not read the blog on a regular basis, we'd like to chance to tell them ourselves. So for now, please keep this news to yourself. But we thank you for keeping up with our journey and for standing with us and believing for this child.

So here we go again. Like I mentioned before, I have this fresh faith that makes me feel like I can believe this baby into existence. The only thing I can do now is be at peace and believe. . .and wait on Him.

Fresh Faith

Our 2WW is almost over. We'll find out sometime this week if we are pregnant. Of course I will let you all know the verdict when we do confirm.

I have a very odd balance of peace and persistence this month. I really do feel a deep and sure peace about whatever the Lord's will is for us this time, but I have also felt the urgent need to again lay my petition before the Lord (remember the persistent widow I wrote about in the spring?). It's funny, I actually have caught myself begging the Lord that I would be pregnant this month. Without even consciously realizing it, I find myself thinking please let it be so, please let it be so. I know that I don't need to beg the Lord, but for some reason I am being really honest with Him this time around.

Dave and I went to Atlanta yesterday and we spent some time talking about it over dinner. As he's prayed over us and our journey this month, I think it's the first time I've heard him ask for it to happen this month . Usually he prays a prayer that yields to the Lord's will. But this time, he's really asking. Whether His answer is yes or not this month, it has been sweet to see my husband asking the Lord for a child.

I told Dave last night that I have been persistently asking the Lord for a YES and that I feel this new level of faith rising in me. . . I feel that I might even be able to believe it into existence. I don't know how to explain it. It's not something I have ever felt before now. And I know this faith doesn't guarantee me a YES, but it is showing me that my level of belief can make a difference. I've always struggled with the whole idea of believing whole-heartedly but still acknowledging that His will will be done in the end. It's such a fine line. This month though, I feel like I can make a difference by believing that it is time, and standing on His promises to claim the blessing as soon as it is within my reach.

For the most part, Dave and I talked about how we will feel if we are pregnant. Truth is, we have no idea. We'll probably be very guarded. We want so badly to just jump right in and get excited, but we still do not know what the Lord will require of us on this journey.

I think this new revelation of faith that I have had this week is preparing me for whatever His answer will be. If we are not pregnant, then I will believe it into existence in His perfect timing. And if we are, then I will believe that baby into existence, right into our arms.

Those Who Sow In Tears

Today is a sad day. My heart feels very heavy. I am sad because I just learned that a man I've worked with in the past just lost his son to suicide. He was 18 years old and I suppose he felt desperate and alone. How horribly sad, especially for someone who had access to the Father. Sometimes I just don't understand how Satan can get such a hold on us.

And I am sad because today a very strong woman that I haven't even had the privilege to meet, will deliver a child. . .a little girl whom she loves immensely but may only get to hold for a few hours before she dies. Sometimes I just don't understand how the Lord works.

It all makes my suffering pale in comparison to what these believers have to endure. Although I know our pain has been real and legitimate, knowing that there are others walking down even darker paths puts it all in perspective. I do not want to belittle my pain but I also do not want to get so wrapped up in it that I forget that I am not alone in my suffering. . .become so self-centered that I can't see beyond my present circumstance. There are so many saints that have gone before us and that are going now into realms of suffering that I cannot even imagine. If they can endure these things. . .if Christ can endure the cross. . .then I too can stand whatever test or trial is given to me. We all have power in the name of Jesus to withstand anything.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy” (Psalm 126:5).

I read this verse in the Word today. I am believing for my brother and sister who are burdened today, that the tears they sow into the Kingdom of God will reap songs of joy for them and for others. I am believing today for myself and for Dave that the tears we sow will reap songs of joy for us and for those around us as we continue to point our suffering to the glory of God.

To Tell Or Not To Tell. . .

As we walk through another 2WW, I have been thinking and praying about whether or not we should tell people when I become pregnant again. Dave and I were just saying last night - if it happens this month, so soon after we lost our last baby, it will be a little surreal. Seems like too soon to be moving on but then again it doesn't. I can't really explain. And if it's that weird to us, what will it be like to share the news with all of our friends and family? Part of me would rather spare myself the embarrassment in case we have another miscarriage. I know this sounds horrible, but I've actually thought about it. You tell people you are pregnant. Everyone is soooo excited for you. "This is it!" They say. And then it's not. It's actually a little embarrassing. Like I've done something wrong or my body just isn't up to par. "Sorry guys, false alarm. This isn't actually IT." I know there is no truth behind the thought that the losses were at all my fault. And I don't carry around belief that they were. It's just that we have to be so vulnerable to let people in. . .every time.

I've gone round and round in my head about it and here's what I've determined. I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to tell my story. I knew that I would be sharing this journey with many people. Although it's been hard to share the good news and the bad along the way, we are so much stronger for having a multitude of counsel and covenant partners to walk this out with.

So we're not going to stop now. If I believe that this is completely in the hands of the Father, then there is no shame or embarrassment in opening ourselves and our process to others. To be honest, there's a bit of accountability involved when you do open up. Then we have to respond with strength and courage, giving glory to Him. Not that we have to be perfect. (Thank God our friends are Godly, but real!) But we need to be an example so that someday, if one of you have to go through something tough, you might remember, "Dave and Jess made it through with grace and courage. . .so can we."

This journey is in His hands. And because He has graced us with all of you, we will continue to share it with you. After all, we'd rather not walk alone.

The Land of Hope

Dave and I went back in to the doctor on Saturday morning for another look at my progress. I am happy to report that things progressed really well. We were very glad to know that the follicles were well developed. I suppose I had a little fear that we would find out they just aren't good enough to produce a viable pregnancy. Although the process was hard for me, it made me really aware of how I respond to circumstance. Honestly, I don't think I responded very well last week. I was anxious and full of fear and I couldn't rest until I knew everything was ok. What kind of example is that? What kind of faith is that?

Of course, the sweet mercy of the Lord was all over me, even in the midst of my shortcomings. He just gently showed me that I must fight the tendancy to let my circumstances rule my emotions and my countenance. And then, even though I had failed, He allowed me to have a glimpse of hope at the end of the week. He's so sweet like that.

So now we enter the 2WW. I really have a settled peace about this cycle. I want so badly to be pregnant as soon as possible, but even more then that, I want His perfect will. It sounds so cliche but I really mean it. He's proven time and time again that His plan is best.

I was telling a friend this morning that there's such a fine line at the edge of action before you step into His territory. It's hard to know where my place ends. We've done what we've been led to do, the rest is up to Him. I can't control it. But although I must resign myself to whatever His answer is, it doesn't mean that I should passively say, "Whatever you will Lord." I must ask. I must hope. And then I must be at peace.

I read this verse in a bible study this morning.
“I’ve pitched my tent in the Land of Hope” (Acts 2:26 Message).

As I wait on the Lord these next few weeks. . .as I wait, in peace. . .I will pitch my tent in the Land of Hope where my soul rests secure.

The Kingdom

Why are some women barren, while the wicked's house is full. The stories seem to never end. Give me evidence that I'm not alone. You said the weak would be lifted up, but maybe just not yet. So while I wait in this flesh and blood, I'll learn to lean in.

Help me see the light. I'm reaching through the fight. Yaweh. Show me the Kingdom. Arms open wide. Death swallowed up by life. Yaweh. Show me the Kingdom.

This morning you'll find me in my office fighting back tears and struggling to focus on work while listening to my new favorite song. All I have to say is Bethany Dillon is the most amazing, mature 18 year old woman I have ever met. Amazing. Below is her explaination for her song, The Kingdom from her latest album.

“I wrote it while I was visiting my cousin and his wife. They had suffered the loss of two babies who both died within a few days of birth. The song comes from a place of not understanding, but seeing that somehow our grief is sweet to God, because it makes our need for Him tangible. The barren womb screams of our need for Jesus; the young girl with cancer screams of our need for Jesus. The things that are broken and empty and in need of hope, they remind us of the coming Kingdom, of the things we can’t see yet. Our heartbreaks push us to Christ.”

I just returned from the doctor. Ultrasound #2 showed follicles that are still just too small. I am hopeful that they will grow and be ready in the right time. . .I guess I'm just annoyed or angry or something that this month I will likely pay $850 just to see how big my eggs are. No guarantees that anything will come of it. It seems like such a waste. I know I'll feel differently once we do conceive.

I know I need to get over it. I'm just weary of the fight. I've been so emotional this week. I cried all night last night after reading about another amazing woman going through an even harder fight for her baby's life. Why must the fight be so hard?

But this song is giving me perspective. It's not just about me or Dave or the baby we will someday have. This is about the Kingdom. This is about what it will produce for His ultimate glory. I need strength today. But it's available for me to continue to go to war for the King and the Kingdom.

The Sting

I had a meeting with this guy today. Nice guy. Working with a new online Christian community. We talked about my clients and his website and how we might partner. And then, of course we began to wrap the conversation with typical pleasantries. "What does your husband do?". . ."Do You have any kids?" It's my own fault. I asked the question. I should have avoided it. "I have one on the way," he said. You could see the mix of excitement and fear in his eyes. "When is your wife due?" I asked. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. "She's due in February," he explained. February. Right around the time I was due.

Why does it still have to sting every time I hear someone else is going to have a baby? I wonder if it will ever stop stinging. I feel so selfish when thoughts of their happiness lead to my misery. I know it's selfish, but I just can't help the way my heart drops into my stomach and I begin to get sick every single time it happens.

I think it's been even a little bit harder this week since we're in O mode (that would be ovulation for those of you who are not up with all the lingo). Trying to determine what my body is doing and praying and hoping for conception is exhausting, really. But a sweet friend of mine reminded me this week that He is the author of life. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. Ultimately, His divine plan will prevail in the end.

Of course I know this truth. My gosh, if I haven't figured that out after two miscarriages then I'm not going to get it. I do know the truth. But sometimes emotions run rampant and I forget to live like I know it.

I am thankful for covenant partners who are walking beside us, there to remind me that He is powerful and faithful and loving towards us and our desire for a child. We have friends that believe for our child sometimes, I think more than we do! And I know it's coming. I know the favor of the Lord is just around the corner.

Until then, I think I'll stop asking about people and their kid status. My heart just can't take it right now.