Second Trimester?

Today I am 13 weeks! I think this marks the beginning of my second trimester. It's hard to tell though. Every book and website says something different. Oh well. I've just decided that this is my second trimester. Woo hoo!

I'm feeling pretty good. I don't have much nausea if any at all. My back still hurts but I feel like I have more energy. I'm looking forward to feeling good and starting to show!

The doctor's office called yesterday to tell me my glucose screen came back positive. This just means that there is a possibility I could have gestational diabetes. This is pretty common for women with PCOS, since we are already insulin resistant and pregnancy makes you more insulin resistant. I don't feel worried about this but it's another complication that is getting in the way of our total peace. I go in Friday morning for a 3 hour screening. So I suppose I'll know early next week if I actually have it.

We ask you all to pray that everything comes back normal. Although gestational diabetes is common and is treatable. . .I would just rather have everything be in alignment for the rest of this pregnancy. The good thing about this "scare" is that it's making me very aware of what I eat. I feel like I've done really well so far. . .but I do have that darn sweet tooth! And of course it's just perfect that I should find out about this right before the holidays! Nice!

Thanksgiving was really fun with alot of my family here. I think Dave got a little overloaded but he'll be alright. It was so sweet to have my parents in town and all gather at their place. No matter where my parents live, it just feels like home. I'm so thankful to have them close.

I pray you and yours had a wonderful holiday as well. This is such a wonderful time of year. It always makes me feel so excited and wide eyed (like a little kid). . . and this year, even more so. Celebrating Christmas really does help you believe in miracles. When I look at all that God did in sending His son to the world through a woman like Mary, I desire to be so available to Him for whatever His purpose is in what He's doing through me.

12 Weeks!

Well, we made it. This morning Dave and I went in for our 12 week appointment. I kept declaring that He was doing a new thing. . .that this wouldn't look anything like the past. We were quickly able to see the baby and it was obvious they had grown. It only took seconds for me to see the heartbeat. I think my heart stopped for just a second as we searched. The baby looked strong at 12 weeks and 3 days. The baby was moving around a lot and kicking its legs up. It was so cute.

Needless to say Dave and I are relieved. We are more excited but we just said to each other that we still feel guarded. I don't think it's as much fear now as it is the reality that we can never stop fighting for this life.

Thank you for fighting with us! Another great milemarker on our journey. We have so much to be thankful for.

He Who Promised Is Faithful

A few people came up to me in church yesterday to say they were so exicted that we were pregnant and they are so glad we finally "let the cat out of the bag." We actually haven't let the "cat out" yet. I think he just got away. I don't mind at all that these sweet friends have heard our news. But hearing them say it out loud, in the foyer of our church, made my heart sink into my stomach.

Don't say it so loud. I thought to myself. I'm not ready for everyone to know. What if something bad happens?

That was my initial thought. And then I thought about it all day long. Why was I so afraid? Are we not declaring, in faith that this is it? My pastor even spoke yesterday morning - in our thanksgiving service after our dear friends Kyle and Kristy shared about their miracle baby - that we are to do what Hebrews tells us in chapter 10, verse 23, "Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."

I am so glad that although we are instructed not to waiver, when we do we do not disqualify ourselves from the promise. He is faithful and He is merciful. He is a God of understanding and grace.

We'll go in Wednesday morning at 9am for our 12 week appointment. It is an understatement to say I am holding on tightly to the confession of our hope. I am believing with my whole being that this baby will be thriving inside of me. Please join with us in believing for a strong heartbeat, great growth (the baby should measure 12 weeks and 2 days) and no genetic or physical abnormalities.

So let's just go ahead and "let the cat out of the bag." I've got nothing to fear. . .for He who promised is faithful!

The Soundtrack of My Life

I listen to Christian radio a lot. My husband always asks me why because our Christian radio station in Nashville is pretty crappy. They play the same songs over and over again. I don't even like most of them. But occasionally they play something I really like that encourages me. So I just keep listening.

With each of my past pregnancies, at just about the time I was going in for my second appointment (none of which have turned out well) a certain song has come on the radio. The song is Matt Redman's "Blessed Be Your Name." Now this is a song that I have always enjoyed. I believe there is so much truth to its words. However, in the past year - given its place in my journey - I have come to loathe this song.

You might wonder why. I'm sure many of you know this song well. We've sung it in church for a few years now. You'll recall the song recites the words of Job. . .the words he speaks about the Lord after his first test. "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (Job 1:21). Perhaps you are starting to see why I have a new aversion to this tune. Each time I have heard it in the past, it has become a very true part of my process. With each baby this year, the Lord has given. . .and then the Lord has taken away. The first time I heard it (about a year ago), I sang it strong. . .believing that He was good, no matter what. The second time I heard it (this past July), my heart sunk a bit. . .but I believed He was good and this time He wasn't going to take away.

This morning that lovely song came on once again. . .just 6 days before my 12 week appointment. I sat there for a second and wanted to throw up. I turned the radio station as quickly as possible and I shouted, "NO! I will not listen to that song this time." I know this is horrible because I know this song does hold truth. The Lord does give and He does take away. Our lives have proven that time and time again. And my heart has and it will continue to choose to bless His name, no matter what. But I just couldn't sit there and declare that He gives and takes away and that I'm ok with that this time. I'm having to really declare that this is a new day and this is a new thing He is doing.

And so therefore, Matt Redman, I'm going to have to remove your song (however true and lovely it is) from the soundtrack of my life during this season. I'm holding onto that Debby Boone song I talked about a few weeks back. . .The Time Is Now!

A Little Scare. . .

Well we had a little scare this week. I've been waking up a lot in the middle of the night with horrible back pain. It's moved a bit into my abdomen so I've been concerned the past few nights. Then it began lasting all day long. I spent most of last night awake, laying there, begging the Lord to please not do this to me again. I'm a bit ashamed of my emotional state, but I know He understands that as we contend for things we've lost in the past or have waited a long time for, we can easily get weary and be tempted to give up.

I went in this morning to see Heather. I prayed and prayed and worshiped the Lord the whole way there. By the time I arrived I was a lot more at peace. She did an exam and an ultrasound and everything looks fine. The baby looked strong at 10 weeks and 2 days with a very strong heartbeat. It was even jumping around and waving at us! So cute! They think perhaps I just have a little infection so we'll see about that.

I am just so relieved that the little one is thriving. I kept racking my brain thinking, What are you doing wrong? Why can't your body hold a pregnancy? I was beating myself up with guilt that I was failing. I know I just have to rest in the fact that every woman's body responds differently to pregnancy and that the Lord is holding this little one together with His hands. He has promised us a child. . .and I believe this child. I was so tempted to believe the promise wasn't real. . .that it was all some cruel joke, toying with my emotions and making me crazy. It's amazing what Satan will try to make you believe when you are scared and weary. What a liar!

We've got two weeks to go in the first trimester. I am very tired and weary but we have no choice but to continue fighting. . .to see this through. We'll go in the day before Thanksgiving for our 12 weeks ultrasound. Thanksgiving Day will be a huge breakthrough as I'll be more than 12 weeks then. I don't find it surprising at all that the Lord chose that week for us to pass this milemarker. Like I've said before, He spoke to me early on that this child will be formed from praise. He's always been so good and faithful, but this Thanksgiving, we'll have even more to celebrate.

10 Weeks!

Well we've made it past the 10 week mark. I have to be honest and tell you that I haven't felt the greatest lately. I've experienced some really light cramping which has made me a little uneasy, but I keep confessing life over me and this baby. The funny thing about First Trimester pregnancy is that there are so many symptoms that are normal. . .but could also mean something is wrong. My husband and I laugh about it all the time. I'll say, "Gosh, my back is really killing me." And he'll say, "What does that mean?" To which I respond, "Well the books say it's normal. . .but it could also mean you are about to have a miscarriage." It's a cruel joke that we've just decided to laugh about. Not to mention that I've just stopped reading those books.

I attended a women's conference at my church this weekend and the speaker talked about having spiritual eye guards. Little blinders that stick to either side of your head, keeping out the peripheral distractions that Satan loves to throw at us all the time. I've experienced so many potential distractions in the past week. It's pretty tiring to continue to contend against them all. . .but we have no other choice but to fight.

This Friday I will go in for another ultrasound. I am so excited that I get to visit my doctor Heather this time. I feel like I'm coming home. It is a huge step of faith. . .going in this Friday, as it is my 31st birthday that day. I was hesitant to schedule the appointment for that day, but then I figured what better way to walk in complete faith then to position myself to have to trust Him so desperately for this next milemarker.

We could never thank you all enough for standing with us. As I feel our faith rise to the next level, I feel the faith of our friends and family rise as well. I pray that as you've joined us on this journey, your faith has risen to new heights so that when the Lord requires for you to trust Him more deeply, complete faith will be the only response you have in you.