Week One Back in the "Real World"

I suppose I should use the term "real world" very lightly considering the fact that I work in the entertainment industry. It doesn't very much feel like the real world most of the time!

Things have been going very well at work. I'm busy enough to keep my mind off not being with Hope but not busy enough that I feel overwhelmed and want to quit. I'm sure my boss would be relieved to know that. I have to admit I've battled this feeling that nothing I am doing is as important as the little life that waits for me back home. Would I rather work on that sales report or teach my baby girl something new today? Sales report? Baby girl? Sales report? Baby girl?

One good thing that I think will come out of my situation is my being very purposeful when I AM home with Hope. I'm sure all of us moms can tend to get lazy when trying to be diligent with our kids all the time. . .or maybe that's just me. I think if I was home with her everyday, it would get old to me and I'd get lazy in my time with her. Maybe it's really sad that I'm admitting this. For now, I know that three days a week she's getting the best of my mom who will play with her and teach her things. By the time I get home to her on Thursday nights, I've missed her so much and I'm so excited to get into her world that she then gets the best of me. I believe it's a good balance for me and for Hope.

As long as it doesn't get to the point where I am so overwhelmed that she is getting "leftover mommy," I am thankful for our situation. The Lord has abundantly provided everything we've needed up until this point, I know that provision will continue each step of the way! And someday, when it is time for me to stay home with her full time (and I do hope for that day), He will then provide all the grace I need to give her the best of myself every day of the week. I guess I'm glad I get to ease into it!

First Day Back

I'm headed out the door after my first day back to work. It went pretty well. I didn't cry at all. Just felt a slight underlying feeling of guilt all day for not being home with Hope and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because I miss her so much.

She's home with my mom which is the only reason I didn't lose it today. It feels so safe to know she's with grandma. I am proud to say I only called home once today to check on them. To my delight, grandma reported that Hope went down for her naps very well and even slept 2 hours after her 11 am bottle. I am so thankful Hope has been so good for my mom and yet I wonder why she's not been that good for me! I suppose she's on her best behavior for grandma!

I'm still not sure if I am ever going to get used to leaving her. As great as our situation is, it is hard. But I feel called to be doing what I am doing so for now, this is my reality. Dave and I are taking it one step at a time as we walk the parenting trail. Maybe someday I'll get to stay home with her, but for now she gets to enjoy extra special time with grandma.

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be A Mom. . .

I kept saying that I still didn't really feel like a mom yet. Everything has been so surreal and unbelievable that it just hadn't sunk in. I would look at Hope and think, is she really mine? Am I responsible for this life? That was. . .until today.

Today we had Hope's two-month check up. All you moms out there know exactly what's coming. . .SHOTS! Yes, we endured the dreaded "first shot visit" today with our sweet girl. Dave came with us, thank God. I would not have made it without him there. After much prayer and deliberation, we determined that she should receive all five shots today. Three in one leg, two in the other.

After shot number one, she didn't make a peep. Dave and I looked at each other and thought, cool! Just then, the nurse blurted out, "Oh, I meant to tell you it doesn't usually kick in until shot #2." And then it came. . .the most horrible sound I have ever heard in my entire life. . .my child's cry of pain. With shot #'s 3, 4 and 5 it got worse and worse until I thought I was going to die. I stood there weeping. I looked over at Dave and he was crying too. I'm not talking sad little teary eyes. We were both balling by the end of it. I took her in my arms and tried to comfort her while I listened to her cry cries I have never heard come out of her. She calmed down a bit, letting out only little whimpers and sighs and at that moment, as I held her close, I knew I was her mom. I finally felt like her mom.

I think I now know what it means to be a parent. The idea that you allow your child to go through a little bit of pain because you know it's a means to a better end completely encompasses parenting. I realize this is just the tip of the iceberg for that truth. I guess there will be many more tears to come for Hope and for us!

P.S. I return to work tomorrow. Yet another milestone on this journey. Please pray for peace and strength as we make this transition. I am so thankful I get to leave her with my mom!

Dirty Little Secrets

So almost every day I watch Rachael Ray at 3pm central standard time. Most of the time, Hope is sleeping - although today I took about 6 trips up the stairs during the three o clock hour and she just finally drifted off at 4:15. I just love Rachael Ray. Sure, she doesn't share all of my values, but she's pretty down to earth and her shows are more helpful and informative than gossipy. And so I watch whenever I can.

Today she had on two women that authored the books, "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids" and "Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Imperfect Moms." The latter book was the focus of the show. Rachael even had moms send in videos with their dirty little mom secrets (more about mom-light savings time later). I found myself getting really into their tips and tricks. Ha, Ha, Ha. I thought. I may be a new mom, but I'm not crazy. I'm only 2 months in, but all moms feel like this from time to time. They all fudge a little just to get a break.

And then I felt that tug on my heart and I knew I needed to guard myself against jumping on board this train. I'm sure the book is really cute and the dirty little secrets are silly and harmless but if I'm looking for fun ways out already, I'm in for trouble. It's not that I think it's wrong for a mom to turn all of her clocks ahead to trick her children into going to bed an hour early, just so she can take a bubble bath. No way sister. If that's what that mother of 8 year old twins needed to do, more power to her! It's just that I felt a place of comfort, identifying with moms who are burned out and tired of trying to be perfect. I related all too well already, thinking that's totally going to be me.

I don't want that to be me. I have no desire to be supermom but more importantly, I have no desire to try to be supermom only to fall short every day and hate myself for it. I just want to be a peaceful and diligent mom who is led by the Spirit to do what is best for Hope, no matter what other moms think or do. I'm sure there will be times when I fudge a bit. . .bend the "rules" or throw the schedule out the window. That's the fun and flexible part of the mom I want to be.

I think all in all, balance is the key. We can't take ourselves or our job as a mom too seriously, yet we need to go after it with excellence and diligence. I'm not sure I've found the secret to attaining this balance (after all I'm only 2 months in) but I am committed to get there. . .for her sake and for mine.

P.S. I decided not to get that book just yet. I don't think it's best for this rookie to learn the secrets too soon. Although I think I will pick it up at some point once I have a little more time under my belt as a mom.

Little Indulgences

If you don't mind indulging me for a moment. I bought this outfit a few months before Hope was born. I couldn't resist. It said "Little Miracle" and had wings attached to the back. I know, I know. Completely corny. But I broke down and spent the $20 I didn't need to spend on something I knew she would wear once for pictures.

Well last weekend, I was looking in her closet and came across my little indulgence. I almost missed it what with it being crammed between 15 million other little indulgences. I pretty much freaked because I knew for sure it didn't fit our little chunk a monk any more. But I made Dave help me get it on her and we had a little photo shoot. She was not happy but I think it was worth it!

She is doing very well this week. Her digestive system seems to be strengthening and we continue to believe the Lord for complete healing. She is consistently sleeping through the night. 8 1/2 hours straight the past three nights! Now if only I can get her to nap longer than 45 minutes at a time during the day. . .oh well, one thing at a time.

Here are a few shots from our big photo shoot. Isn't she precious?!

A Matter Of Healing

We had a wonderful night last night. Hope slept 8 hours straight! I can hardly believe it. Now if I can just get her to do that consistently. . .we're on our way there. She's had a great day today as well. Although she is still battling digestive issues, we seem to have it a bit more under control. Praise the Lord!

I have though, really felt the Lord speaking to me in the past few days about making this a matter of healing. I suppose since the doctor and many books and websites I have read have said this is "normal", I figured we would just deal with it. But I feel the Lord telling me that I don't just have to deal with it. . .that we can have peace in Hope's body and in our home. We just have to make it a matter of healing for Hope.

Although I have constantly prayed over her little body for peace and relief from her discomfort, I am now contending boldly for her complete and total healing. I am asking the Lord to relieve her of any digestive issues and to bring peace to her system. I am a little embarrased that I didn't start this sooner, but I know this is the Lord's way of teaching me even more to press into Him and not just accept things that I am told.

So many lessons to learn about Hope and myself and the Lord. I am actually beginning to get excited about how this new season is going to refine me. I always figured it would, but the reality of it is so much deeper than I had imagined. I love the way He continues to mold us through all of life's circumstances - the good and the bad.