“We are not exactly doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.” - CS Lewis
This is one of those quotes that makes you stand up and shout, YES! I read this while I was walking out my infertility journey and it provided me a mixture of sadness and hope. Sadness, as I realized the reality that the pain of waiting could go on for quite some time. Hope, as I clung tightly to the promise that He would do what was best for us - no matter what that meant.
In the end, our pain relatively paled in comparison to that of others. But I hope to carry this truth with me and remember it as I continue to walk through life. There will be many more roads that we travel, for ourselves and for others that will require our willingness to walk through pain in order to reach His best.
There are moments of questioning the pain . . . but I will always trust the outcome.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
On Love and Motherhood
I had lunch with an old friend yesterday. She asked me what it was like to be a mom in terms of my love for Hope. It's amazing that she asked me this question as I have been trying to wrap my head around a mommy's love for a few weeks now.
I think it was two weeks ago that I looked at Hope and I actually felt my heart skip a beat. At the same time, I experienced that silly feeling in my tummy that I haven't felt since Dave and I were dating. In that moment, I realized that I was falling in love with my little girl and that falling in love (no matter if it's with your spouse or your child) apparently feels the same. Maybe that sounds freaky or sick to some people. It was a bit odd to me at first. But then I realized that falling in love encompasses a whole host of emotion and determination that changes your life forever.
Falling in love makes you realize you'll give your life for that person. . .that you want to be with them 24/7. . . that you would do anything to make them feel loved and safe and secure with you. When you fall in love you want nothing more than to learn everything you possibly can about the uniqueness of that person and celebrate it every day of their life.
Yes, I am definitely falling in love with my little girl. And the irony of it is. . . the more love I feel for Hope, the more I am reminded that I have not loved my husband well. Leave it to our sweet heavenly Father to use parenting to bring us back around to marriage. Oh He's so strategic like that. It's those early-relationship butterflies in the tummy that first motivate us to love and to serve well. I pray that the grace of God would keep those butterflies fluttering in my heart - for Hope and for her daddy.
I think it was two weeks ago that I looked at Hope and I actually felt my heart skip a beat. At the same time, I experienced that silly feeling in my tummy that I haven't felt since Dave and I were dating. In that moment, I realized that I was falling in love with my little girl and that falling in love (no matter if it's with your spouse or your child) apparently feels the same. Maybe that sounds freaky or sick to some people. It was a bit odd to me at first. But then I realized that falling in love encompasses a whole host of emotion and determination that changes your life forever.
Falling in love makes you realize you'll give your life for that person. . .that you want to be with them 24/7. . . that you would do anything to make them feel loved and safe and secure with you. When you fall in love you want nothing more than to learn everything you possibly can about the uniqueness of that person and celebrate it every day of their life.
Yes, I am definitely falling in love with my little girl. And the irony of it is. . . the more love I feel for Hope, the more I am reminded that I have not loved my husband well. Leave it to our sweet heavenly Father to use parenting to bring us back around to marriage. Oh He's so strategic like that. It's those early-relationship butterflies in the tummy that first motivate us to love and to serve well. I pray that the grace of God would keep those butterflies fluttering in my heart - for Hope and for her daddy.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Hope's 3 Month Pictures
Well. . .I did it. I spent my life savings on portraits of my child. Something I said I would never do. But seriously. . . who can resist beautiful pictures of their child? We're all self-absorbed enough to think our parents and our siblings and our aunts and uncles and friends and well. . . I guess the lady down at Publix will all want a 5x7 of our child, right? Lord knows I got enough to pass out to all of Williamson County! Don't be surprised if you see these shots posted at your local grocery store!!
But isn't she sweet?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Hope Speaks Out!
I can hardly believe how much Hope is "talking" these days. She is very vocal, just like her mommy! I think I might be in for it with this kid. She is not afraid to speak out. Now Dave and I just need to teach her to speak truth and life and encouragement so she can use this "gift" for good.
I'm pretty sure the amount of "talking" she's doing now has nothing to do with how she'll be later, but it's fun to think about!!
I'm pretty sure the amount of "talking" she's doing now has nothing to do with how she'll be later, but it's fun to think about!!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Naptime Prayers
So yesterday I received a little Holy kick in the pants. . .I hate those.
Sunday night I had the pleasure of going out with my girlfriends. It was one of their birthdays so we gathered at Cheesecake Factory (where else would 4 girls gather to celebrate a birthday?!) for some good food and great conversation. Because I am the last of the brood to have children, I definitely benefit from their already-gained wisdom and experience. Although Hope is doing really well, our daytime naps remain a challenge. So I asked the girls for some advice on what to do next.
I'll spare you the entire round table discussion and I'll just say I walked away knowing I was on the right track but just needed to fine tune my schedule. I was focusing so much on Hope's eating schedule that I didn't pay enough attention to whether or not she was napping at the same time every day. Turns out it varied a little too much.
I went home and talked with my husband and really got before the Lord to ask what I should do. I quickly came up with a new schedule that would work well for our home - considering Dave's and my work schedule and Hope's time at grandmas. Since I was home with her yesterday, it was the perfect time to implement it.
Let me back track for just a second to say my big challenge with our naps is that she only sleeps for 45 minutes. Three or four 45 minute naps a day makes for a very fussy baby. Although she sleeps 10-11 hours straight through the night, her lack of daytime sleep makes her less than enjoyable when Daddy gets home in the evenings.
She went down very easily for each nap. That in itself is another form of triumph for us. But even as she drifted off to dreamland with ease, I found myself begging God to "make her sleep for at least an hour, preferably two please."
8:00am Nap #1 - 45 minutes exactly. Ok Lord, it was just the first nap. Can you take care of the next one please?
Then I decided I would intercede on her behalf at that 45 minute mark. I knew I could just pray her through to an hour or more.
11:00am Nap #2 - 50 minutes. Well that's a little progress Lord but I had something more in mind.
2:00pm Nap #3 - 55 minutes. Are you kidding me Lord? Is this the way it's going to be? At this rate, it will take weeks to get where we need to be.
4:30pm Nap #4 (which I am only doing until she starts sleeping more) - 35 minutes. I give up here Lord. I guess I can't pray her to sleep.
And then it hit me. This process (and that's exactly what it is) is so much more about my willingness to persevere then it is about her sleep. So I took that as a clear kick in the pants from the Lord to just keep pressing through and trusting Him for her well being. Dave and I had no trouble contending for her life before she was born. We must still contend for every step of her growth and progress. It might seem like a little thing to want her to sleep more during the day, but it's not. It's so important to her little body. It's definitely something to contend for.
So I will not be discouraged that we only made little progress yesterday. And I believe that she will sleep longer with a few weeks of this consistency. In the meantime, I am learning to persevere in faith, for even something as seemingly little as sleep.
Sunday night I had the pleasure of going out with my girlfriends. It was one of their birthdays so we gathered at Cheesecake Factory (where else would 4 girls gather to celebrate a birthday?!) for some good food and great conversation. Because I am the last of the brood to have children, I definitely benefit from their already-gained wisdom and experience. Although Hope is doing really well, our daytime naps remain a challenge. So I asked the girls for some advice on what to do next.
I'll spare you the entire round table discussion and I'll just say I walked away knowing I was on the right track but just needed to fine tune my schedule. I was focusing so much on Hope's eating schedule that I didn't pay enough attention to whether or not she was napping at the same time every day. Turns out it varied a little too much.
I went home and talked with my husband and really got before the Lord to ask what I should do. I quickly came up with a new schedule that would work well for our home - considering Dave's and my work schedule and Hope's time at grandmas. Since I was home with her yesterday, it was the perfect time to implement it.
Let me back track for just a second to say my big challenge with our naps is that she only sleeps for 45 minutes. Three or four 45 minute naps a day makes for a very fussy baby. Although she sleeps 10-11 hours straight through the night, her lack of daytime sleep makes her less than enjoyable when Daddy gets home in the evenings.
She went down very easily for each nap. That in itself is another form of triumph for us. But even as she drifted off to dreamland with ease, I found myself begging God to "make her sleep for at least an hour, preferably two please."
8:00am Nap #1 - 45 minutes exactly. Ok Lord, it was just the first nap. Can you take care of the next one please?
Then I decided I would intercede on her behalf at that 45 minute mark. I knew I could just pray her through to an hour or more.
11:00am Nap #2 - 50 minutes. Well that's a little progress Lord but I had something more in mind.
2:00pm Nap #3 - 55 minutes. Are you kidding me Lord? Is this the way it's going to be? At this rate, it will take weeks to get where we need to be.
4:30pm Nap #4 (which I am only doing until she starts sleeping more) - 35 minutes. I give up here Lord. I guess I can't pray her to sleep.
And then it hit me. This process (and that's exactly what it is) is so much more about my willingness to persevere then it is about her sleep. So I took that as a clear kick in the pants from the Lord to just keep pressing through and trusting Him for her well being. Dave and I had no trouble contending for her life before she was born. We must still contend for every step of her growth and progress. It might seem like a little thing to want her to sleep more during the day, but it's not. It's so important to her little body. It's definitely something to contend for.
So I will not be discouraged that we only made little progress yesterday. And I believe that she will sleep longer with a few weeks of this consistency. In the meantime, I am learning to persevere in faith, for even something as seemingly little as sleep.
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