Working Mommy Lesson #7

I would venture to guess that if you are a working mommy, you are probably a highly organized, carefully planned person. Heck, even if you aren't a working mommy you may be this way. But women who work outside the home tend to be even more over the top about things such as time lines and budgets. I know I am. This week I've had my share of lessons. It seems as though the Lord is bringing me through the fire, trying to teach me to let go of the strong hold I have on my plans.

Working Mommy Lesson #7: Plan carefully, but hold things loosely. Be ready for God to show you a completely different map for the road ahead.

It's OK to plan. Actually, it's good to plan. We have to be ready for what's next. So I am an advocate for careful planning. What I'm trying to avoid in my own life is obsessive planning. You know, that kind of planning that keeps you up at night wondering what you can do to make it happen just like you believe it should be. . .

I had it all figured out. We were going to get pregnant right around the first of the year - give or take a few months. I would work until I had baby #2. . .then maybe (hopefully), finally stay home to be with my two kids. If I got pregnant by March, I could work until the end of 2010 and blissfully end my 12 year career in the music industry before 2011 hit my daytimer. Perfect!

I knew it might be hard to get pregnant. Took us almost two years the first time. But we know the drill now so I figured nothing could throw us off track. If it didn't happen at first, I knew the exact measures I needed to take to make it happen.

What happened was not at all part of the plan. Are you shocked? Those of you who read The Pregnancy Companion blog may already know this story. For those who do not, I'll share briefly.

In January, after one month of trying on our own with no ovulation, we started our first round of Clomid (a fertility drug). After my cycle completed we thought I had not ovluated - that it didn't work. I was just about to start another round of the drugs when my OB suggested I take a pregnancy test to make sure. I did and I was. Pregnant that is. Almost immediately there were signs of miscarriage so we were not hopeful that this pregnancy would make it. I went through a week of having my hormone levels checked and then after an ultrasound revealed nothing growing in my uterus, we determined this an official miscarriage. We were disappointed but having been through this before we handled it and continued to trust God for His timing. About 10 days later I began having the most horrible pain I have ever felt. I wasn't sure if this was my body's way of ending this pregnancy but it seemed peculiar to have so much pain for such an early loss. I waited a few days until I couldn't take the pain any longer. After passing out twice on Sunday evening, Dave and I visited the ER on Monday morning.

Dr. Rupe met me there and they did an exam and ultrasound through which we discovered that I must have conceived twins. One made it to my uterus but never really formed. The other implanted in my fallopian tube and caused it to rupture, thus causing all of the pain. I had emergency surgery to remove the baby and with it one of my tubes.

I don't know if my heart has even processed the fact that I technically lost 2 babies through this ordeal. It all happened so oddly that I never had time to attach myself to the idea of a life (or two) growing inside me. The funny thing is, the whole experience has left me completely at peace with the Lord's timing. As I carefully planned my adventure into the world of stay-at-home mommyhood I would have never thought it would include conception of twins, an ectopic pregnancy and losing one of my tubes. Gosh - His version of the story is so much more crazy! I will never understand why He allowed us to go through all of this. I've stopped trying to make sense of His ways. I simply have to trust His heart. I know that God is good and faithful and as much as this reality completely sucks, I trust Him.

Whatever you are planning, whatever you are looking forward to. . .hold it loosely. Trust Him and His perfect timing for everything in your life. As we wait, we are forced to draw closer to Him and seek His will and that my friends is the best type of "planning" we can do. I promise I'll do the same as I continue this journey. Hey - maybe I'll become a stay-at-home mom before I have another baby. Wow, what would I do with all that extra time? Shopping? Spa days? Oh wait, if I stop working I won't have any money. Oh well, I'll just wait and see what happens.